WE DEMAND...
• All moderators to be quarantined from society
18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias .
• Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning
candidate about any statements made
more than 60 seconds in the past .
• Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage
gives every candidate equal time at center podium .
• No questions from, for, or about women .
• At least one tray of pigs in a blanket
during pre-debate luncheon .
• All questions must be prefaced with personalized
compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance.
• One consequence-free tirade against any
marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing .
• Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage
by another candidate automatically disqualified
from presidential campaign .
• Safe podium space for all candidates made
uncomfortable by line of questioning .
• Multiple-choice section .
• Each candidate given five paper DebateBucks
they can use at any time to buy new questions
from moderator.
• When a candidate A causes the debate ball to go
out of play, candidate B will start at the top
of the key and check the ball
before resuming play
• Every candidate allowed to deliver five minutes
of closing personal attacks
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| Onion News Non-italic text is verbatim |
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