The Raspberry Statement ... Divorce Lawyers' Nightmare

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In their 2019 Spring Quarterly Journal,

The Institute of Inane Research

of Piscataway, New Jersey

titled an article  

 

PARENTS SAY GOODBYE

TO VERBAL VOLCANOS

 

The original title

of this decade-long study was

Seismic Activity

Does Not Belong

In The Home

***

 

The subjects of this research

were families with children

between the ages

of four and fourteen

 

Criteria required both parents

to have jobs outside

the household

 

Each parent had to have

personal "volatility levels"

of 5.5

 

That is, they were prone

to aggressively loud arguments

at the dinner table

and elsewhere

in the presence

of their offspring

 

Each family had to be

amenable to counseling

especially if any

of their children

were already in therapy

 

Participating parents

were given very simple instructions:

 

Anytime the urge to argue

inspired either one of them,

"identifiable words"

in the English language

could not be used

They were to be replaced

by pure nonsense syllables

punctuated by flatulent sounds

 

Just imagine

scat singing morphing

into fart sounds

without the aroma

 

The volume of this

nonsensical communication

was unlimited

 but all such "arguments"

ended with both parents

laughing hysterically

and creating

a family hug-fest 

 

The primary concern

of the Institute

was the mental health

of children

who witnessed this 

"transformative parental behavior"

 If there was a measuring stick

for  WELLNESS,

all the children

of 5.5 Volatility Level parents

went from the low end

to the high end

in the course of a ten-year study

Physical appearance, 

academic performance,

and sociability skills

improved dramatically

despite whimsical urges

to scat sing until

everyone around them

chimed in

 

With very few exceptions,

all "transformationalized" 

children

became big fans of 

Lewis Armstrong

and Ella Fitzgerald 

 

In rare instances,

some of these children

became authorities

on fart jokes

 

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