ONION NEWS Exclusive: If Not Sooner or Soonest

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Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

"The end is now. The end is not new!"

"It is just another thing
  you gotta do, like
  paying your taxes
  or just quoting
  Mark Twain."






 


In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, 
local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday 
she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating 
her rapidly approaching death....Gordon added that 
she has also taken to learning something new 
every day about the neurodegenerative 
diseases that will quite possibly 
claim her mind sometime soon, 
if not sooner or soonest.

"All the news that is worth creating"

 






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