It began as the GODFATHER OF MATH, evolved into the GOODFATHER OF MATH. Now this. Go figure...


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The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes = G. CARLIN...Stain glass, engraved glass, frosted glass
–give me plain glass = JOHN FOWLES...Music is the mathematics of the gods = PYTHAGORAS... Nothing is more fluid than language = R. L. SWIHART
I cannot live without the oxygen of laughter = DAWN POWELL + + + But please be sure to season that with the hydrogen of gravitas = PAUL OLIVERIO
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Monday, June 5, 2017

HYDRAULIC UNIVERSITY ... Chapter 1

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At Hydraulic University, the beloved professors repeat what students say, before the students say a single solitary word..
 
Whenever a Math teacher state an equation, it must contain the phrase might or might not be equal to
 
The Theology department, according to Dr. Seamster, emphasized the happy mid-point between evolution and creationism.

God created the world in six days...and then he refinanced.

He was praised by Murray, the Global Evolution Bank officer, for creating the mountains, sky & sea.

"What we can do for you is a package deal."
 
God was told that in time there would be fish in his waters, birds in his sky, then give or take a millennium, there would be MAN!
 
"Man. What is that?"
"Oh, you’ll find out."
"Whatever."     
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Students at "Hy U" do not need recreational drugs. They are naturally pumped up. When adrenalin isn’t flowing, whimsy is.

Smoking marajuana would be redundant but some students, the "Un-naturalists," smoke it if only to be at one with the outside world, which was ignored as much as possible on campus.

The school was the brainchild of Silvia Porto, Daniel Di Maria, Mort Mecklosky, and Etta Seamster. 

In the year 2010, three of the the founding parents were still alive and well but, in the middle of the  quad in the middle of the cam- pus a statue of Mecklosky–bow-tied, beer-bellied, and beaming– was triple life-sized.  
Tragedy guaranteed the university that budget cutbacks would never set foot on campus.
 
A high-level conference of western European nations invited Mort Mecklosky to lecture on the internal gymnastics of the CIA. But the night before his scheduled flight, he was murdered in his home. 

On December 9, 1976, his valet found the professor’s body in a fur-lined reclining chair, slumped over a copy of Advance Man by Jerry Bruno. The mathematician’s reading glasses provided the target. Single bullets were retrieved from each eye. Woodland Hills homicide detectives immediately launched an investigation but within a fortnight, all records of the murder mysteriously disap-peared, as did the body. 

Seamster, Porto , & DiMaria protested to the Los Angeles Times, NBC and numerous other media who collectively reported absolute diddly squat about the murder of a very distinguished educator and great friend of liberal causes everywhere. 
Seamster, Porto , & DiMaria pursued the matter no further because a zip of their lip was worth access to the eternal fountain of funding for their brainchild.

Profundity Squared–a favorite expression of Mort Mecklosky–applies to a six digit number: 142857
 
It is universally understood that all zip codes in the United States have five digits. 
Welcome to the exception.
Welcome to Hydraulic University.
If a letter or package were addressed solely to “142857,” it would be delivered to Hydraulic University within forty-eight hours.

Eternal federal funding was guaranteed by the shadow government, the invisible branch of governance far exceeding the power of the Executive, Congressional, and Judicial branches. 

Quicker than you can say “SGA” the Shadow Government Agency is capable of shutting down roads in southern California to accomodate Hydraulic video students. 

Hollywood should have it so easy.
 
To this day, no one has ever been arrested for or suspected of committing the murder of Mert Mecloskey. 

A California police record was set in the case of  Mort Mecklosky. After all of fourteen days, a homicide was declared a “cold case” but eternal funding is one helluva mea culpa!

The plaque for the triple life size Mecklosky statue, consistent with the math professor’s wish for an epitaph, establishes a cause of death: a shopping cart accident in Akron, Ohio

The sculptor was a one-legged VietNam veteran named Ray Ozen.

The plaque also lists some of Meclosky’s accomplishments: 
As an undergraduate, he wrote a prize-winning thesis entitled "Why Perpendicular Has Thirteen Letters." In 1967, he set a proof of the Pythagorean Theorem to  folk music.

Posthumously, students of Steve Bachrach and "Bergen-Gerben" made it into an opera.

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CHAPTER 2 is forthcoming
especially if demanded
by YOU


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Footnote
HYDRAULIC UNIVERSITY is the copyrighted property of LCSoL. 
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