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In their 2019 Spring Quarterly Journal,
The Institute of Inane Research
titled an article
PARENTS SAY GOODBYE
TO VERBAL VOLCANOS
The original title
of this decade-long study was
Seismic Activity
Does Not Belong
In The Home
***
The subjects of this research
were families with children
between the ages
of four and fourteen
Criteria required both parents
to have jobs outside
the household
Each parent had to have
personal "volatility levels"
of 5.5
That is, they were prone
to aggressively loud arguments
at the dinner table
and elsewhere
in the presence
of their offspring
Each family had to be
amenable to counseling
especially if any
of their children
were already in therapy
Participating parents
were given very simple instructions:
Anytime the urge to argue
inspired either one of them,
"identifiable words"
in the English language
could not be used
They were to be replaced
by pure nonsense syllables
punctuated by flatulent sounds
Just imagine
scat singing morphing
into fart sounds
without the aroma
The volume of this
nonsensical communication
was unlimited
but all such "arguments"
ended with both parents
laughing hysterically
and creating
a family hug-fest
The primary concern
of the Institute
was the mental health
of children
who witnessed this
"transformative parental behavior"
If there was a measuring stick
for WELLNESS,
all the children
of 5.5 Volatility Level parents
went from the low end
to the high end
in the course of a ten-year study
Physical appearance,
academic performance,
and sociability skills
improved dramatically
despite whimsical urges
to scat sing until
everyone around them
chimed in
With very few exceptions,
all "transformationalized"
children
became big fans of
In rare instances,
some of these children
became authorities
on fart jokes
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You should be given a special award
ReplyDeletefor the longest fart joke ever told
A dubious achievement award
Deleteis better than no award at all